Pandemic, Misery and Depression

 I’m lost. Totally. Many things happened in a short period. I last wrote about miracles and throwbacks in 2019. 2020 was unexpected with pandemic. Also I welcomed my baby girl at the end of the year. Such blessing that I have been wanting for my whole life. 

However, the early of 2021, I didn’t expect that things will become more challenging and depressing. I was happy, but everything changed. People pushing you to make decision to ease you but in the end, you got only torture. Not a single day I feel lonely, sad…I cried. I cried a lot. 

I am happy to be close with both of my children and my husband. It’s odd that my heart couldn’t let go of the wonderful past times. I found myself so…empty. My everyday becomes a struggle. Struggle to find my way back…struggle to find sanity in the mid of craziest moments. I tried again and again to understand but I just couldn’t connect the dots. It wasn’t easy. 

Yes, I started to blame people. People who have asked me to make such decision that I didn’t want to in the first place. People who have forced to make things “easy” for you but it isn’t. People who have a masked smile but evil face. They give you sweet promises but all they care is you’re torturing till the end of the day. The cycle goes on and on.

I am tired. At a point, I started to think of suicide. I talked to people, yes…to which in the end, I was blamed for not being able to “blend” with the whole situation…they ask me to look in the present and future and to be appreciative..well, sure do they can…cause they got all the heavens and all I got is hell.

I realise that everyday I got too sensitive and got mad many times. People sad bad things… last time, I was able to ignore it. Now, I wasn’t able to do so. Every shitty word they say is a blade that cuts through my heart. It pains me in a way that I just can’t find the medicine for it. 

There were lots of “short joyful” hopes. Yes, hoping that I could be happy again. In the end, I feel hopeless. They ask me to think positive…should I trust whatever these people said after what they had done…

I still remember the day I wrote the letter with force. I was yelled at for not writing it. I got mad, not because of the yelling, but due to I was being forced to do something that I didn’t want to do. I woke up being so naive and just wrote whatever came across in my mind…the consequence, I hurt lots of people around including children with my words.

I got the plans already. It was all in my head and I was eager to try it out. But those plans stayed forever as plans. Would it be much different if things just stay the way they are? It’s really difficult when your own blood is poison to your life.

It hurts. I’m just…so tired of everything.

2019

I guess I am not a blogger.
2018 had been so nice to me, so far.
The journey was never easy though.
Throwbacks!
1. My hubby and I had our prewedding photoshoot back in 2016.

2. First pic I had with my new contracted phone in 2017.

3. That first image. Happiness! 2018 was a great blessing. I just couldn’t believe my eyes which resulted in testing them many times. I was able to conceive again after miscarried back in 2017.

4. Bump it all the way!

5 . My baby. Ayden Kalang. So blessed!

CUTIE PIE.

Here's my nephew. Coming towards his third year of living on Earth, I believe he's a lil Pokemon we cannot resist.

Happy to play with. Not too cranky.

I hope he has a bright future ahead.

2018....

I see. I skipped 2017 without any post.
My last post in 2016 was about this particular headache-incident at work.

The reasons I skipped 2017 were numerous. Well, first, I forgot my password. Second, I forgot I had a blog. Third, I had a sweet-sour-bitter relationship with 2017. There's more to those reasons but these are the spotlights of all.

Looking back with my journeys after graduation, I realised I had 2 years of friendship, one and a half year of relationship, a year of being engaged, and currently, almost 18 months in marriage life with my other half. Within that 18 months, I cried a lot - both for being happy and sad.

Happy : For I have finally and officially declared as someone else's wife. How great is that? God has given me the best partner to be with.

Sad : This would be the part, of which, even now, to type it out, I feel I am carrying mountains on my back, it is difficult to let go. I lost a life, a part of me..a life that supposed to cheer up and enlighten both of us, my husband and I, we were once, expecting. I lost our precious and I kept on blaming myself, I still am...I cried and cried.

For those who have witnessed, I believe that you have noticed such irregular pattern of changes in attitude, perceptions and emotions. I struggle, even until now, I am struggling with none other than myself. I was aggressive, I felt being bullied, I felt weak, I felt like a total loser. At times, I wore my happy mask, a fake smile on it and wow, such a made-up laugh.

Christmas celebration was marvellous and I celebrated my birthday with my love ones beside me, oh those smiles but my heart, it was so damn hurt! All of those celebrations were just ... just simply something that should be celebrated with joy but I felt different deep inside of me.

2018, I am still struggling...
I hope. Hope. God, I know You have better plans. I believe You. Amen.

THE UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER

I don't really like it when people keep on pestering you on something that may involve decision making - more to bad choices. I have been dealing with all these workloads and non of them are pleasing me. I love working, however, the environment does not support me much. I did all that adaption and adoption - it worked...not for long.

I got this responsibility of knowing where the items are. We paid. The cheque went through. They said they will post the item after Raya holidays. If I were to count, well, the cheque was delivered somehere in the third week of June. The proceeding week, the cheque can be cleared within 2-3 days. I called them for clarification. Money had been cashed out. Yes, if according to the dates, a week before Raya would be hectic to anyone as they were preparing for the celebration. 

The game began when raya ended. I purposely did not call for the reason of packaging and all. Then days after days, weeks after weeks, so I called. The person asked me to leave my phone number. It had been done before when I asked about the cheque. I left my phone number. The audit needed to check the balance and based on procedure, items should be in by now.

This has embark my anger since "these" efficient people did not respond at all. Thus, I called. High-pitched voice and with deep stressed, I asked for the items. I need the product. As usual, "Please leave your phone number. We will call you back." There, I blew! 

"If I were to give my phone number this time, it will be the third time. I am only asking, when are you going to send the product? I have been pestering by someone else's about this. Until when will I get it?!"

After that, it was all history. I don't prolong bad vibes. Let bygone be bygone. Well, even so, I will never forget.

XoXo

That very special day...

Yes, it is a late post. I was so excited with Raya holidays that I completely lost track of the date. Counting up till that date, I could not believe that it has been 3 strong years with you. Of course, the counting is still on. I don't really have to count cause I know, you'll always be there for me. Thank you for everything. I love you so much.

xoxo

Freedom.

I always thought of this word whenever something or someone came and built a solid, tough wall between you and your desire. I said to myself - this is pretty much an unfair life. Questions came striking inside my mind - Why can't I do it like others did? Why do you have to stop me? Why do you have to control me all the time? Somehow, these questions had their own answers, of course, I provided the answers such as - Well babe, you ain't got enough power to do it on your own, you still need someone, she's/he's right, you know, you're a lady, it's too dangerous, you really need someone to do it with you.

I told myself, trillions of times, that I could manage everything on my own, yet parts of me needed an attachment. This attachment was more or less, another person that can guarantee my act won't destroy me or others. I can call this person as a back-up. (Sounds like I am such a selfish person). Yes, I needed that someone to achieve that so-called, freedom, that I wanted.

I remembered that one day when I had this relaxing conversation with a colleague. He's somewhere in his 40's or perhaps heading to it (Gosh, so ignorant of other people's age). We were alone when we talked about being independent in making decisions in life. I told him that a friend of mine wanted to live far apart from his parents (obviously, I meant myself - I put it as someone else's story) just to have freedom. He later asked - what does your friend mean by freedom? I simply said - well, he does not want his parents to control him all the time, he lives by his own and do what he wants and to be with whoever he wants to be with. He said to me - freedom, many people think they can escape freedom by marriage, but it is NOT. The biggest mistake will be made when you sign up for marriage to an exchange with freedom. 

I did not really know my own stand on freedom. Recalling on things I had done, so far, I was completely free from everything. Even now, I HAVE MY FREEDOM. I realise, I do not really need a back-up-human in any plans I have. If you want to accomplish something, it is better to do it on your own. Hoping someone to do it for you, will take forever for that desire to become a reality. Get up and start working. The road ahead is a complete mystery and unknown to your future.

XoXo