2018....

I see. I skipped 2017 without any post.
My last post in 2016 was about this particular headache-incident at work.

The reasons I skipped 2017 were numerous. Well, first, I forgot my password. Second, I forgot I had a blog. Third, I had a sweet-sour-bitter relationship with 2017. There's more to those reasons but these are the spotlights of all.

Looking back with my journeys after graduation, I realised I had 2 years of friendship, one and a half year of relationship, a year of being engaged, and currently, almost 18 months in marriage life with my other half. Within that 18 months, I cried a lot - both for being happy and sad.

Happy : For I have finally and officially declared as someone else's wife. How great is that? God has given me the best partner to be with.

Sad : This would be the part, of which, even now, to type it out, I feel I am carrying mountains on my back, it is difficult to let go. I lost a life, a part of me..a life that supposed to cheer up and enlighten both of us, my husband and I, we were once, expecting. I lost our precious and I kept on blaming myself, I still am...I cried and cried.

For those who have witnessed, I believe that you have noticed such irregular pattern of changes in attitude, perceptions and emotions. I struggle, even until now, I am struggling with none other than myself. I was aggressive, I felt being bullied, I felt weak, I felt like a total loser. At times, I wore my happy mask, a fake smile on it and wow, such a made-up laugh.

Christmas celebration was marvellous and I celebrated my birthday with my love ones beside me, oh those smiles but my heart, it was so damn hurt! All of those celebrations were just ... just simply something that should be celebrated with joy but I felt different deep inside of me.

2018, I am still struggling...
I hope. Hope. God, I know You have better plans. I believe You. Amen.