Pandemic, Misery and Depression

 I’m lost. Totally. Many things happened in a short period. I last wrote about miracles and throwbacks in 2019. 2020 was unexpected with pandemic. Also I welcomed my baby girl at the end of the year. Such blessing that I have been wanting for my whole life. 

However, the early of 2021, I didn’t expect that things will become more challenging and depressing. I was happy, but everything changed. People pushing you to make decision to ease you but in the end, you got only torture. Not a single day I feel lonely, sad…I cried. I cried a lot. 

I am happy to be close with both of my children and my husband. It’s odd that my heart couldn’t let go of the wonderful past times. I found myself so…empty. My everyday becomes a struggle. Struggle to find my way back…struggle to find sanity in the mid of craziest moments. I tried again and again to understand but I just couldn’t connect the dots. It wasn’t easy. 

Yes, I started to blame people. People who have asked me to make such decision that I didn’t want to in the first place. People who have forced to make things “easy” for you but it isn’t. People who have a masked smile but evil face. They give you sweet promises but all they care is you’re torturing till the end of the day. The cycle goes on and on.

I am tired. At a point, I started to think of suicide. I talked to people, yes…to which in the end, I was blamed for not being able to “blend” with the whole situation…they ask me to look in the present and future and to be appreciative..well, sure do they can…cause they got all the heavens and all I got is hell.

I realise that everyday I got too sensitive and got mad many times. People sad bad things… last time, I was able to ignore it. Now, I wasn’t able to do so. Every shitty word they say is a blade that cuts through my heart. It pains me in a way that I just can’t find the medicine for it. 

There were lots of “short joyful” hopes. Yes, hoping that I could be happy again. In the end, I feel hopeless. They ask me to think positive…should I trust whatever these people said after what they had done…

I still remember the day I wrote the letter with force. I was yelled at for not writing it. I got mad, not because of the yelling, but due to I was being forced to do something that I didn’t want to do. I woke up being so naive and just wrote whatever came across in my mind…the consequence, I hurt lots of people around including children with my words.

I got the plans already. It was all in my head and I was eager to try it out. But those plans stayed forever as plans. Would it be much different if things just stay the way they are? It’s really difficult when your own blood is poison to your life.

It hurts. I’m just…so tired of everything.